Rocking my baby

It's 9 pm and I hear his sweet voice over the monitor.  "Mama" he whines and lets out a soft cry.  I look over at Stephen and say, "I'll go rock him".

I head up to his room and by now his whining has become a deep cry and my heart breaks.  I pick him up from his crib and he collapses in my arms.  I sit down in his rocker and his eyes close as he falls back asleep.  I can't remember the last time I rocked my sleeping baby and I certainly never expected to rock my sleeping 2 year old.  It is a precious time and I soak up every second.

I stare at him like I've never seen him before.  Studying his long eyelashes, cute lips, and the way he breathes.  What a miracle this child is.  What a blessing it is to be his mom.

As sweet of a moment this is I am reminded why I am rocking him and tears slowly fall from my eyes.

Stephen is a great sleeper.  He sleeps all night and never wakes up... until last week.  He started school last week and it has been rough on both of us.  He doesn't want to go to school and I certainly don't want him to either.  He cries every morning and when his teacher takes him from me his cries shatter my heart.  She might as well be pulling my heart out and crushing it into a million pieces.

Every day he has gone to school, he wakes up crying for me at night and it just breaks my heart.  Normally I would let him settle himself back to sleep, but I know right now, we both need this extra time together.

I've rocked him for about 15 minutes when suddenly his eyes open and he looks at me and smiles.  I ask if he is ready to get back in his bed and he shakes his head "yes".  I lay him down and rub his back then slowly walk out of his room.

And my heart is full.  The guilt that crushes me when I drop him off at school is gone.  This mama needed that time with her baby just as much as he did.