"People will never forget how you made them feel"

This is going to be a hard post to write, which is why I'm writing it late Thursday night instead of earlier this week.  I couldn't edit the pictures without crying.  I tried for several days, but would just cry.  Then I decided I just had to do it.  Even if I sobbed all the way through, I just needed to do it.  I thought about posting the pictures with fun commentary like I always do, but that's not what I really want to do.  I want to write about my true feelings.  This blog is my scrapbook of our lives, so I tend to keep things positive.  Most people don't scrapbook the tough times.  But Sunday was tough and I want to write about it, so I am.

Mamaw's birthday was Thursday, so Sunday we met my parents, Mamaw and Papaw for lunch at Fuddruckers.

Before I go any further I guess I should give some back story to anyone who may not know and just for my memory keeping purposes.  Papaw has Alzheimer's and Dementia.  I'm actually not sure exactly what he has, we don't really talk about it.  But I know it is some form of both of these.  He now lives in an assisted living in the mental health area.  Mamaw moved in with my parents when they moved Papaw there.  He is about 30 minutes from my parents and Mamaw gets to see him often, but I still can't imagine the pain she is going through.

Sunday when we got to Fuddruckers and walked in, everyone was already there.  My parents kept Stephen on Saturday so he was already there too.  As we hugged everyone hello, I hugged Papaw and he started crying and wouldn't let go of me.

Papaw and I have always had a very special bond.   I am the first grandchild on both sides and everyone was thrilled that I was a girl.  I think every single time I have ever seen Papaw, he tells me how precious I am and he can't believe how grown up I am.  He would hold his hands out and say, "just yesterday you were this tiny and I would hold you in two hands.".  He would tell me how proud they were of me and they would take me to the mall to show me off.

I read this quote recently and it describes the exact way I feel about Papaw.  He did and said a lot of great things, but I will NEVER forget how he made me feel.   He made me feel like I was the most special person in the world.  I can't find the right words to explain it now, but he made me feel so special.  My weight has always been a struggle for me, but when I would see Papaw he made me feel so beautiful and special when I did not feel beautiful or special.

Currently, Papaw doesn't talk much.  When he does talk you can't understand him.  He is so different than who he is.  Papaw was the life of the party, always talking, telling stories, playing his guitar, singing, dancing.

I feel myself grieving the loss of my grandpa.  Yet he is still here.  He is just not himself.  When I find myself grieving the loss of him, I make myself stop.  He is still here and I should not be grieving him.  But I am.

I miss my Papaw.  I want Stephen to know the Papaw I know.  Stephen would have so much fun with him!  I want Papaw to teach him to "lock his hat", play silly games with him, and sing Elvira.  Oh my goodness Stephen would have fun with Papaw.

When we got in the car to leave Sunday, Stephen asked if I was ok.  I held it together all day and I know he thought I would lose it when I shut the car door.  But I didn't.  I was ok.  In that moment, I really did feel ok.  I was happy we got to see Papaw and spend some time with him.   We need to do that more often.

But when I went to edit the pictures, I wasn't ok.  I hate this disease that he has.  I hate that it took my grandpa from us.  All of us.  We all miss him.  I hate cancer.  It took Mama Lil from us 9 years ago.  I hate it all.

The only thing I cling onto when I just can't bear the pain, is the promise we have in Jesus Christ.   Mama Lil is healed and is in heaven right now.  One day Papaw will be healed.  We will all be healed. And we will all be together one day.

Another thing I have learned is that the best way to honor someone is to talk about them.  Teach others what they taught you.  Show the world their spirit in yours.  There is so much I want to teach Stephen and my future children (God willing) from all of my grandparents and parents.  I hope they know Mama Lil and Papaw through me.

Now onto the pictures from our day.











Not only does he look just like me, he shares my love of cake!















Stephen's birthday is Sunday, so my parents brought his present since they probably won't see him this weekend.



He let Stephen open it for him.





After lunch, cake, and presents, we went back to Papaws place since it was right across the street.



I wish the circumstances were different, but I am so happy that Stephen gets to spend so much time with Mamaw since she lives with Mom and Dad.





When I was editing I made it this far, but this next series of pictures just made me lose it.













Stephen does NOT hold anyones hand.  Ever!  Which made this so sweet.

When they got to the door, Stephen didn't want to hold Papaw's hand anymore (I couldn't believe he held it that long), but Papaw still wanted to hold his, so Stephen obliged and let Papaw hold his arm.



Then they played ball together.



Get some more kleenex ready...















I love these two pictures of my Mom:





After making it through all of these pictures and reflecting on my thoughts above, I know why I was ok on Sunday.  It was a good day.  We got to spend time with Papaw and he got to see us.  Stephen will know a different Papaw than I did growing up and that is ok.  Although he has some form of Alzheimer's, Papaw knows who we are and for that I am SO grateful.  He knows who Stephen is and the way he looks at him is special.  I hope Stephen can see how much Papaw loves and adores him.  Some things don't always need to be spoken.  I will hold on to the wonderful memories I have with Papaw and make the most of the time we have with him.

And on the hard days, I will cling to my faith.